checking you out!

I hate testing! I hate it when people around me try to test me for my reactions, replies and facial expressions. The thing worsens when these people are my own friends. As they are my friends, it becomes easy for me to identify such cases. In such a case, I usually ask them directly and usually they confess. The objective is not to make them confess but to make them understand that, questioning or testing me is like questioning the friendship we share.

There have been times when people have provoked me to see my anger. Sometime they have switched off their cell phones to find if I care. And of course they have confessed it.

I still do not like it. But people do it.

With time I have realized it is so very natural. People do it naturally. There exists insecurity in them. They fear something. These days I am going through the same phase. Too much dependence on others is bad for many reasons. And I am dependent. It is far better scenario when someone depends on you, or put trust in you. You probably feel like a king! But when it is other way round, you feel helpless. I like good people (my friends, family, someone who makes me smile) to be around me. This has become a habit. And this habit is turning out to be an addiction. I used the term “addiction” because trying to come out of it is pathetic – the withdrawal symptom.

This phase is bad. I have entered into testing and questioning others. I hated it if someone does it to me. But now I do the same. I have realised that, there are people in my life whom I depend on badly but probably my absence do not even bother them.

There has been college days, when I intentionally walked slow to find if someone turns back to see if I am also coming. Such a small test, when repeated for several days gave me an almost accurate (I cannot quantify it to call it 100% true result) result. The people who always turned back are the people who still value me. I do not know if that sounds childish, but yes we do behave in a stupid way naturally whenever situation demands or rather, when our heart is in crisis!

There has been time when I used to call people regularly (not everyone), because I love hearing from them. But then someday suddenly realising that it is just me who is always doing the honour make things look dusty. In such a case, my heart demands an exam again! Immediately it orders me to cut down all my calls or any way to communicate. It certainly bothers me (as I am the dependent variable in this equation), but what affect it will have on the other person is the main thing. Resisting myself from calling is difficult (I am addicted!) but the results may bring out some level of satisfaction.

I have received no major positive results from the above test (the independent variable hardly bothers!), but to conclude a negative result is more hurting for me. So I am just trying to extend the time duration – in the hope that performance might get improved. But let us see.

One should not test his/her friends! I do it because I am addicted (or rather INSECURE! ) :) :)